For a long time I was extra careful to cover up the upsets and sadness and disappointments going on in my life and put on that perpetual smile so many of you know so well that maybe none of you have seen a real one in so long that you can't tell the difference. For a long time I'd be very careful with my "cover" that it never dawned on me that those who were curious could really read me if they wanted to through my eyes.
I've also been told on many occasions that I have sad eyes. I believe pictures taken of me when I don't smile look sad , the sides of my lips are slightly turned down so I thought that contributed to my somber look. I gave no consideration to the sadness that seems or seemed to spill through my stare.
I suppose that may have been where I expressed the sadness, behind my eyes. I used to blame the circumstances that caused my sadness... the death of people I love, the end of some relationships, broken friendships, missed opportunities, but I didn't take the responsibility for the presence of them in my spirit. I never admitted to myself that I was the one that held them in my heart for them to be present in my glare and dwell there so long that it almost became a facial feature.
Its always been a habit of mine, and I am sure its a regular practice of many people, to compare my present situation to ones I've had before. I found myself in a discussion with my boyfriend, (yes I have one of those but that is for another blog, he's a good guy and he's really sweet to me, I hope that puts you at ease until I give you the details) and he said to me that my stare has started to look a little blank and that he's finding it increasingly hard to read my eyes. When he said it at first I was a little confused by it, I didn't understand how it was possible for me to be blank in the eyes.
Then I gave it some thought, maybe I'm blank in my eyes because I've started to let go of the things that made me sad and disappointed, maybe what he saw in my eyes that he was so familiar with was the sadness I carried for so long. I've let go of a lot of things so maybe the absence of "readable content" is just the space made for something better. Maybe my emotionless stare isn't a bad thing, a sign of newly found hope in things yet to come.