Confessions

So every now and again I feel the need to share my thoughts, and these are pretty personal thoughts, not so much pet peeves or recent curiosities. I suppose these are what I keep in most of the time until the inevitable need to let go.

My mother and brother have moved back in, but no need for celebration, because my dad has moved out. Of both my parents I am closer to my father. He allows very little to bother him, and I love him and hate him and maybe even envy him for his ability to just I don’t know... survive perhaps. I suppose he is the one that cultivated my little ability to be able to talk to guys because he was always more approachable and practical than my mother. My father is one of the quietest people you will meet, borderline shy, brilliant and humble men I have even been exposed to. I miss him.

My anxiety comes with my mother as she can be I don’t know, maybe selfish. Let me expand; she wants things her own way and I guess everyone wants things their way, but she is willing to give up things for what she wants granted the things to be given up aren’t hers and usually mine. Perhaps growing up in rural St. James has something to do with it, she is from a big family and they weren’t exactly rich so maybe she had to sacrifice some of her wants and needs for the greater good of others and now it’s just my turn to pay the piper. I never gave it much thought before, I just take from her what I am offered and press on, I’ll get my attention from my friends and take from her conversations and instructions and even some laughs where possible. I used to tell people she was my big sister when I was younger, it’s funny how relationships change.

When I see my “lack offs” and my “how and I going to get/achieve this” moments, I could kick myself. It isn’t even because I couldn’t do it, Marketing wasn’t hard, I can work in an office, with a supervisor and lunch hours. I can wear knee length straight skirts and long sleeved jackets and attend meetings, whether or not it is for me isn’t the point, the point is that I would have been greater with that piece of paper from UTech, more accomplished and in a better position to help myself. I lost so much time, even though I learnt so much from just being out there working time spent doing something, time that isn’t spent chasing your dream is time wasted. I’m on borrowed time now, 25 and a first year student at a backward school, the hardest thing for me to do is slow down and hand over the reins of an assignment to someone else. So what do I do? I do group assignments on my own, and plan presentations on my own, and I bring print outs and cut them up so that everyone can get a grade, and I pull down grades I haven’t seen since maybe 5^th form, and I don’t listen to the doctor (and even some friends) that tells me I need to get some rest, painkillers for the head and body aches and aspirin for the bruises and I push and I fight and remind myself 3 more years. I am tired but somehow I’ve mastered the art of wearing my mask and only the closest to me see even the hint of sleep in my eyes through the smiles or hear the crack in my voice when I talk about valency shells or ecosystems. I have become a mosaic of sorts, colourful and detailed and bright and beautiful but still made up of tiny broken pieces arranged perfectly.