New Consciousness?

Yesterday I mourned the passing of a friend I've had for about 10 years. His name is Oneil Edwards and he was part of a dancehall group called Voicemail. He was shot multiple times at his home while he was going in after a night partying. While I sat 4 rows to the left of the middle exit of Church on the Rock with my eyes sore from wiping away tears with my hands and mu lip quivering like it usually does when I'm fighting back tears my mind started racing.

When I got the message he had been shot and in the hospital I started to think about how we met, and how he and Kevin were excellent at making me laugh and I started to worry about Kevin and Craig. I had flashback from my sweet sixteen and I can remember how much passion they sang with and how hard it was to concentrate on the words of the song because my eyes were just darting all over to look each one of them in the face and I couldn't stop blushing. And I remember my fifth form ball when they sang and I thought these are my boys. My friends and I would call radio stations and request songs and listen to interviews and feel almost giddy when we watched their first video thinking this is it... this could be the big break!

When they became popular I thought to myself why would they want to stay friends with me, regular me who has no status in the grand scheme of things; but I'd go out and see them and they'd curse me out for not coming and saying hi, and made me promise I'd call. They hadn't changed but I guess my perception of them had.

Now my friend of 10 years is dead and I'm stuck with a racing mind. His death will, I hope will, bring a new consciousness to the dancehall industry (it should or what's the point?). A consciousness concerned with what they dj or sing or produce, to transform it to something uplifting and gives hope to those that are so wayward or without guidance that they buy into the arguments that are proposed in the lyrics of dancehall. For me though its a consciousness related to the invitations I send out for people to be a part of my life. I have so many friends, I know so many people that are there for the laughs and there is money in my pocket and we can go to the all inclusive party in a new top and heels but where do they go when I'm crying and if they remember me in my loss does that make them better friends than those who call me to invite me out? What about those who rarely call at all, are they my friends or are they just acquaintances? Am I picking the wrong people to care about, because I'm busy loving a set of people that may not hold me in the same esteem. While I soul search and look for answers I promise to call Kevin more.

Rest In Peace Oneil, missing you already.

Hey :)

Ok so I know I have been a little M.I.A. I have exams going on, one left and its my course... Math. And because I pretty much know I can walk into that exam and pass with at least a B I decided I would show you guys some love and bless you with my presence (lol... yeah right!)

Its been a pretty eventful couple of weeks. One of my friends came down from FLL and I'm telling you its like he never left. We hung out twice, I was prepping for exams and couldn't find much time to do anything other than study, but while we hung out it just reminded me that I really am blessed to have some real, good people in my life and no matter the distance or the time apart I will always have them and they me. Its funny how really good friends never fall out of sync and even funnier how fast the fake friendships fall apart but I won't go there tonight. Tonight is not for that.

So its coming closer and closer to my last day as a 1st year student and I am excited and exhausted and hopeful. I'm excited to get this year over with, I am really looking forward to the summer, even if it only means sitting around a desk doing accounts for 2 and a half months, a little more money in my pocket and a little more time with my friends and NO GROUPWORK! First on the agenda: get rid of the shoe tan... eew!

So it would appear that after months of walking around Mico's campus and to and from the Hostel and P.E Classes (yes I had to do P.E in the middle of the day when the sun is at its most assaulting) not only did I get a well defined T-shirt tan but I also lost some weight. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, all my uniforms will be changed for the upcoming school year for they have become too roomy... at the very least the skirt will all be taken in. Now I can't tell you how much I loss, the scale and I were never friends (it is such a liar!) I can tell you that it isn't enough for jaws to drop to the floor but I see it in the way my clothes fit... I like it.

Ohh and I got back my grades from my first semester and I have one B three B+'s, an A+ and a pass in a pass/fail course .... at this time I'll leave you to applaud me... I'll wait.... It was not easy, 6 years away from the classroom was way too long. I'm proud of myself, and more of it to come I promise.

My mom is having her b-day party in a little over a week from now, we are all excited. The family will be here. I love my tribe cannot wait to have them here :) I may even be more excited that my mother... figures.

Hmmm... what else to tell you?

Oh I might be getting a new digital camera... I feel so naked without one, hopefully they remembered, cross your fingers. If I do get it I want to try the 365 project again... I think it'll be interesting. That's it for now I think... just wanted to fill you in... :)

Child to tha boo!

It's been getting pretty heavy in here hasn't it? So serious... time for some analysis I think.

Not many girls think like me I’ve come to realise. I blame my upbringing. My aggressive, self sufficient female relatives have permanently etched in my mind a spirit of “do it yourself and don’t wait for a man to do it for you.” It often shocks me how little some girls sell themselves for, really my girl a party ticket? So, what we couldn’t go home and rub some flour dumpling we really had to give it up for a cheeseburger? Matters worse when you not getting anything more than the few minutes of attention when you thought for sure after this one lay down you were going to be able to buy two new shoes. Ladies, ladies, ladies, why? Why do you sell yourself so short? You don’t think you’re worth more than a taxi fare and a new blouse?

Let me clear up any misunderstandings, I am not saying your significant other can’t spend on you, by all means, but you should not be up for sale. Whether or not you get that plane ticket money should not depend on how long you can stay on your head top “while him a do him ting.” Honey, go to school, look a work and buy your own stuff, let your brain work and not your crotch.

There is a new, how should I say it, phenomena going on at school. It is quiet fascinating really because these are future educators, the ones you will leave your daughters and sons with for at least 6 hours a day so that they can be taught not only what’s in the books but also what is socially acceptable and how we are supposed to act towards each other. Now I wonder if it was planned or if its the heat, but all of a sudden these boys want to beat on their girlfriends, and I am not talking about a one chuck or slap, I am talking about sitting in her chest and knocking her upside her head and pushing her through glass pane windows. Now, I wasn’t there for either incident so I don’t know if the assaults were aggravated or provoked (even though I fail to see what I could have said that would have warranted pushing me to the ground and kicking me in my sides) but Lord, this is where we’re at? This is what “deh wid” come to, sending me to the hospital and you being carted away to the police station? I mean is not a little argument is some real brawls, they were out there scrappin’. One girl got upset because her boyfriend was chummying up to his ex, she approached him and he was all over her, kicked her to the ground, started choking her and she was only able to get him off by reaching for a rock and smacking him in the eye with it, that happened one Friday night and by the Tuesday they were kissing under the trees. The next one she approached her boyfriend to break up with him I heard, and he got so upset that he pushed her and she pushed back and he chucked her through a glass window, she ended up in the hospital and he ended up at the police station. Yes, these are the men that will teach your children Physical Education and History.

When did women become so weak that we are unable to leave when its time to leave? Are we missing the signs? If he's always lying to you, its time to go. If he never has time for you. its time to go. If he doesn't uplift you spiritually, its time to go. If he degrades you, its time to go. If he hits you, baby girl I'll help you pack 'cause its been time to go. There is life without a man, its not a bad life either, its been pretty good to me for the most part. And I can understand the case where you met him and he's helping you financially, and you feel obligated to stay through the crap. I know of people who, because of money, do some strange things, but these guys are broke they attend school full time and collect a lunch money. I simply don't get it. It truly eludes me. And these guys aren't even manly men with chest hair and stuff, they are almost fresh out of high school and barely have hair of their chins, what are they doing beating on people's girl children? I don't know man... I really don't know.

Still kinda heavy right? Sorry.

Fading to black

We wear the badges differently I suppose some drown it, others pop it, cut it, smoke it, plaster it under a new MAC shadow and patent leather heels...

Solitude in his magnificence has found me

And all I can think while tears burn my eyes and soak my pillow, is how did I let this happen again?

How did I slip away and no one notice,

How did I slip and no one care,

Feelings of emptiness hit, and somehow it’s like I’ve gotten so far that even my screams for help have become whispers amongst laughter.

And as I feel the self loathing and sheer guilt make my lip quiver while he kisses me with assertion, I catch my darkened reflection in the mirror and look away

There is something to be said of being here again... depression, my faithful friend

Behind smiles! The brighter the better!

as I remind myself not to break, (don’t break)

Not to fall, (please don’t fall).

But Oh how far I’ve gone

my greatest fear is that someday I’ll not be afraid of being alone anymore and stand justified in the knowledge that he and I have always had an unrequited love affair,

he has always wanted me more than I could bare.

Prayers mouthed under short breaths while vision blurred and sweat washes my body I feel my body start to rock.

Here we go again.

My return to this place,

so dark the thought of light is eclipsed by the darker days to come.

and I know what it took to overcome the last spell and the hardest part is I know I'll walk it alone

My homecoming of sorts.

Fading to black.

Sweetest Thing...

Okay so I heard these things are better dealt with when you just spit it out and admit it, and you all know how shy I am or can be from time to time. But... here goes... you ready? Okay okay okay, I'll do it dammit, okay here goes, I am so smitten, like totally "love out" as my BFF would put it. And I suppose I always felt this way about him.

I have never met anyone or had anything else in my life that I can turn to and feel so completely understood. At my worst, I can find refuge in our relationship and sometimes I swear he can control my emotions, tempers me when necessary, makes me laugh and allows me to cry, upsets me and remind me of times past.

I love him most when he's around when I am just being me, cotton sweats and washing dishes or when I'm in black leggings trying to get my eyeshadow right to hit the road. I can't even ignore him if or when I want to I just have to hear what he has to say even when he is without words I love him. I love how vulnerable he can be, and he has no problem being dark... sometimes downright raw. Jeez!

He's never jealous and maybe its because he knows sooner or later (most likely sooner than later) it will be me and him again. I missed him most when I stopped dancing, I swear he used to take me places I'd never go on my own. He just sweeps me off my feet. I can't help but smile when I think of how perfectly entwined he and I are. He was there for every pivotal point of my life, saved me from myself so many times. He is my own private rock, even though I'm sure he means a lot to other people too. Did you guess who it is? I'm sure you guys know him pretty well... well did you guess? It's MUSIC!! but shhh! Don't tell anyone, our little secret :)

Confessions

So every now and again I feel the need to share my thoughts, and these are pretty personal thoughts, not so much pet peeves or recent curiosities. I suppose these are what I keep in most of the time until the inevitable need to let go.

My mother and brother have moved back in, but no need for celebration, because my dad has moved out. Of both my parents I am closer to my father. He allows very little to bother him, and I love him and hate him and maybe even envy him for his ability to just I don’t know... survive perhaps. I suppose he is the one that cultivated my little ability to be able to talk to guys because he was always more approachable and practical than my mother. My father is one of the quietest people you will meet, borderline shy, brilliant and humble men I have even been exposed to. I miss him.

My anxiety comes with my mother as she can be I don’t know, maybe selfish. Let me expand; she wants things her own way and I guess everyone wants things their way, but she is willing to give up things for what she wants granted the things to be given up aren’t hers and usually mine. Perhaps growing up in rural St. James has something to do with it, she is from a big family and they weren’t exactly rich so maybe she had to sacrifice some of her wants and needs for the greater good of others and now it’s just my turn to pay the piper. I never gave it much thought before, I just take from her what I am offered and press on, I’ll get my attention from my friends and take from her conversations and instructions and even some laughs where possible. I used to tell people she was my big sister when I was younger, it’s funny how relationships change.

When I see my “lack offs” and my “how and I going to get/achieve this” moments, I could kick myself. It isn’t even because I couldn’t do it, Marketing wasn’t hard, I can work in an office, with a supervisor and lunch hours. I can wear knee length straight skirts and long sleeved jackets and attend meetings, whether or not it is for me isn’t the point, the point is that I would have been greater with that piece of paper from UTech, more accomplished and in a better position to help myself. I lost so much time, even though I learnt so much from just being out there working time spent doing something, time that isn’t spent chasing your dream is time wasted. I’m on borrowed time now, 25 and a first year student at a backward school, the hardest thing for me to do is slow down and hand over the reins of an assignment to someone else. So what do I do? I do group assignments on my own, and plan presentations on my own, and I bring print outs and cut them up so that everyone can get a grade, and I pull down grades I haven’t seen since maybe 5^th form, and I don’t listen to the doctor (and even some friends) that tells me I need to get some rest, painkillers for the head and body aches and aspirin for the bruises and I push and I fight and remind myself 3 more years. I am tired but somehow I’ve mastered the art of wearing my mask and only the closest to me see even the hint of sleep in my eyes through the smiles or hear the crack in my voice when I talk about valency shells or ecosystems. I have become a mosaic of sorts, colourful and detailed and bright and beautiful but still made up of tiny broken pieces arranged perfectly.

Baby sisters

I was there to see you crawl

and stretch and grow and do it all

and though I may have been distracted a bit

I was always mindful of where I'd sit

and how mean this world can be, but I knew how much you loved following me

So I whispered all my thoughts and dreams

and memories and all my "hope to be"s

And when I thought you were old enough I taught you what I knew of love

How it could hurt and make you smile

and prayed to God you'd wait a while

And not repeat my missteps

and you'd learn to respect yourself

Now that you're all grown

with secrets and dreams of your own

My hope for you will always be

to be able to face adversity with an air of finesse

and through it all true happiness

Why you're probably single...

Okay so I'm in the beginning stages of a project for school where I have to put a learner profile together. Basically, I have to take a student under 18 (I have tonnes of cousins to use) and based on their age I'm supposed to analyse them through the eyes of some psychologists. While reading though, I got to thinking about about today Valentine's Day and decided I'd do a little analyses of my friends. No, No Freud... even though he does make for some interesting reading; the little pervert.

The psychologist I'd like to look at is Abraham Maslow. In essence Mr. Maslow suggested that there is a hierarchy of needs that need to be met before one is self fulfilled.

Here is the model. Lets analyse. Now at the very bottom of the "Needs" Pyramid is your Physiological Needs: these include your need for somewhere to sleep, food to eat and clean water to drink... Mr. Maslow also suggests that sex should be at the bottom of this table. Above this is Safety and Security, Love and Belongingness, Self Esteem and then friends when you have met all these needs you become Self Actualized. This is you at your optimum! At the risk of really exposing myself as the mean girl I try so hard to shake... Doesn't this explain alot? We need sex more than we need to think highly of ourselves. We need sex more than we need to be loved. We need sex more than we need to know that no one is gonna come kick off our door at night, yes we need the house but it doesn't really need to be all that safe as long as we can have sex in it? With the equation of sleep to sex or even air to sex am I to assume that without it I will die? Or better yet since sex is equal to air or water or food does the quality sex aids in development since polluted air and malnutrition stunts growth?

Pussy Principles

Now, many of you guys know me on a personal level, we've had conversations you guys know what I'll put up with and what I wont. You know this is my venting spot and where I can"talk di tings" so if you don't like what I'm about to say you can hit that little red x at the top right hand corner of the page.Let me strongly suggest you read it through though.

Pussy Principles

Pussy Principles can be defined as a set of rules you follow as a woman to keep a peaceful relationship, a peaceful life and generally healthy relationships with the people around you including your friends, parents and associates because we all know relationships overlap and what is going sour in one may just spoil everything. These are things people really shouldn't have to tell you because deep down you know you're wrong and no matter what you told yourself while it was going on you know you were lying to yourself.

Allow me to expand:

When you are in a sensible, stable relationship DO NOT entertain other "offers." Yes the attention is nice and everyone likes to be admired but for the sake of all that is good and right don't call new guy to ask him to keep your company because you're bored or lonely or just because you have a phone and can, you know you're leading him on and you just going to make things worse for all involved. If you know you're not going to let it get any further than the flirting why bother rock your nice stable boat, and if you see it going further leave your boyfriend first and give yourself some time to "air." We all know the fable about the dog who drowned chasing the reflection of a bone he already had... Don't be that bitch!

Nobody likes the "ugly duckling" syndrome. I know your beauty may astound you at times. maybe your even new pretty, but fishing for compliments isn't attractive honey. You're gorgeous, move on.

Don't get yourself attached to an unavailable man. You know how it ends, you crying in your bed because he didn't call or didn't leave her or didn't see what the big deal is about playing FIFA with the guys on your birthday is about... if he just isn't doing what he promised he would the stress of you crying over it is a waste of energy. Don't cry to your girls either because chances are they told you to run from get go and it gets real old real fast.

Don't pick fights you can't win, not with your friends and not with your man. I don't think I need to elaborate on that one its self explanatory.

Don't ask for things you know you don't want. If you don't want to know if he's cheating and if you're not prepared to tell him how you got the information you have gotten don't go searching his stuff. Don't go through the phones/email/text messages/voice mail if you are not prepared to face the music.

Do not "look" the guy your friend is "looking", if she's your good friend makes matters worse. There is an underlying understanding, no its not all fair in love and war, it may seem so at first but honey, if you push too hard the claws may come out and if you know your file is fat don't run the risk of it being let out. We girls fight so dirty at times.

Do not believe that your friend should tell you you are wrong about anything. You have a brain and a conscience, and you we're raised by good upstanding people don't embarrass yourself and then wonder why nobody said anything to you chances are the boat was sinking so fast that no amount of them paddling the water out would have saved you from making the mistake you made. Besides, especially when it comes to relationships no matter what your friends are telling you you were going to do what you want to do anyway.

Really, pussy principles is about being graceful and taking everything into consideration before making stupid moves. It forces you to take a good long look at things as they stand and be objective about the repercussions of the things you may or may not be doing subconsciously. There are more to follow so stay tuned...

Chelle

Two Thousand Ten and Men

First of all HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! I hope the clock striking 12 found you doing something you love with the people who count, me, it found with a cake plate of chinese spicy noodles and sweet and sour chicken and music blaring.

When I decided to start writing I made a conscious decision not to make it about men. To be honest, lately their importance has dwindled. I found so many other things to get into, things that will add to me, that most of the time I don't miss not having one but I stray.

Recently I spoke to one of my exes and he asked me what was going on with me "guy wise." When I told him that nothing was really going on, and that I thought there and just a few decent men left and the abundance of these female harbour sharks makes it too hard to even bother so I stopped looking he laughed, and when he realized I wasn't laughing with him the laughing simmered to a chuckle. I went on to explain to him that in my experience the "good" men are taken and since I'm not into the sharing that isn't and option, besides if the guy is any good for real he wouldn't be into the "juggling." He then said, and really this statement summarizes the reality that was our relationship, "well Chella, I dont know what to tell you, I guess you're going to be single then," seriously...

Ok so I get it, some of us as females have our standards set so high that it would be hard to find someone of that calibre it isn't impossible ( I'd hate to think its impossible) but if you were to stick to your guns, you'd have many lonely nights. I also am well aware that some of us carry around so much baggage that it makes it hard to really see a situation for what it is because of this haze of mistrust and that knot in your stomach that forms from fear of the familiar (this I KNOW I am guilty of).

If it were for sex alone, this game would be a whole lot different, you'd jus' boots up and cross your fingers that homeboy knows what he's doing and actually I don't know, takes some pride and isn't only after his own pleasure. Guys, in general, like that game a lot. They sometimes try to turn other situations into that game. But no, it is not for sex alone, at least in my case which makes it that much more difficult for me. So this year, like last year and even the year before that, I'm going to see what happens and have the men fall as they may.