To Whom It May Concern.

I'll write this once and hopefully at the end I would have gotten it all out so that I will not feel the urge to think of you and how you're doing, or how intriguing our conversations were and how much I loved your laugh. I absolutely hate you in every sence of the word. You were a waste of my time and my emotions and I really wish I never fell in love with you, your conversations or your laugh. I feel like you always knew where you were leading me but I was so caught up with you that I didn't care as long as you took me, and that you did, you took of me until I was left with nothing of myself.

I hate seeing you and not so much because I cared for you so much but more because its uncomfortable for me.I hate being asked how you are. The mere mention of your name turns my stomach and I can literally feel my blood draw from my face, you leave me tired and listless. To think how much I gave up for you, how much I gave up for us. I'd really like nothing more than to never EVER have to see you again.

Congratulations though because as hard as I fought you broke me and it really was mostly my doing becuase I was never able to let go when I should, and somehow silly me, I thought I was meant to be with you and even though everything pointed in the opposite direction I held on untill my fingers bled. I am bitter and hurt and its all your fault and there is nothing that makes me happier than knowing the world is round and you too will meet your Waterloo.

I don't feel any better...

Daggerin' Postponed! But what about Dancehall?

I don't know how much you know about what's going on here in Jamaica and the Broadcasting Commission's mission to clean up the airwaves, but before I start let me give you a brief over view. There is a song done by Kartel and Spice called Rampin' shop where they go into great details describing some rather aggresive sex, some radio disc jockeys decided since its hot in the streets they were going to beep out the expletives and play it. Truth is there is no cleaning up that song, there is no way to make it radio friendly because even though they dropped the "curse words" out the song is pretty suggestive, so any 6 year old that is semi exposed to the colourful language of Jamaican patios can connect the dots.
Now this daggerin' phenomena is complicated, they use the word dagger in reference to sex (hence the whole Kartel and Spice song) daggerin is also a dance that strongly resembles rough sex, many artistes have done songs with mention of it, its pretty vulgar in my opinion not fit for general listening but completely acceptable in the dancehall even if you'd never find me "brukin out" like other people.
Now comes the Broadcating Commissions hand in the pot:
Anything with strong sexual content... BANNED!
Anything with reference to violence, guns, condoning murdering people, rape etc. ...BANNED!
Anything with any expletives... BANNED!
There will be no "dropping" the word from the song, no beeping the curse words out, no playing the rythym over the "bad" parts.
And this stands for all genres of music and television shows.
What does this leave us with? About a handful of Soca songs, Hip Hop songs about being in the club, drinking, and making money... and dancehall, it leaves dancehall with a decision to make.
Do we sing the songs twice with one version for the streets and one for the radio? Do we just abandon the streets and make everything mainstream? The reality of the situation is that you can take dancehall out of the streets but you can't take the streets out of dancehall, and if they want to hear themselves on the radio this is the opportunty of a lifetime, lets see how creative you can get. Its a time to see what else you know about other than girls and guns. I know many people see this as the Broadcasting Commission "boxing the bread" from the mouths of dancehall artiste, but with the way the music business is muddled with the introduction and continuous forward movement of technology having your songs on the radio doesn't equal success since people can download your songs. Meanwhile, many artistes get "discovered" on the internet with millions of fans and their names haven't even been mentioned on air.
So to dancehall I say jus' do you, the ball is completely in your court and only the fittest will survive the overhall. I'm excited to see what this brings and impatiently awaiting new consciousness. Music is a strong means of reaching the masses and what is said is greatly influencial, chose your words and topics wisely Mr. Dancehall.

When I do it over... whenever that may be.

I have been the "single" friend for some time now, and after reading my friend's list of the 15 things he's looking for in a girl. I decided to make myself some promises.

I promise to put me first, I have always sacrificed myself for what I thought was the greater good of the relationship without realising that I ended up resenting the person for not putting my needs on the list of things to address.

I promise to give someone outside of my type a chance. I did it before and I think he is the first genuine love of my life, I regret the break up but what is meant to be will be. Right?

I promise to take the advice of my friends with a grain of salt. Many relationships fail because other people have too much input in what is going on without having full knowledge of the circumstances that led to whatever it is that made us not be seeing eye to eye at that particular time.

I promise to still spend time with my friends and not spend my every waking moment with you or talking about you or thinking about you, for my sanity and yours, I promise to have a life outside of us.

I promise to try not to jump to conclusions. Its a horrible habit I have, I'm usually wrong but it just speaks to my insecurities.

I promise to try to make you feel at home with my family. They're crazy but they are the reason I am who I am.

I promise to try to get along with your family and friends, even if mine are better :)

I promise not to judge you by your mistakes before me, I will be mindful of them but I promise not to punish you for your past sins and I'll ask you to do the same.

I promise not to hate you in the end because really you were sent to teach me something I need to learn before my next step forward.

waiting for inspiration

I really have nothing to write about, I usually write when I'm feeling extreme emotions, you know that anger than burns your eyelids when you blink or that happinesss that makes you smile in your sleep, thats usually when I write. Somehow in the middle of feeling whatever it is that I'm feeling I pull out my note book ( its so not my style its pink and covered in flowers and I think on my list of favourite colours pink is maybe number 12 with a bunch of shades of greens and blues and even purples before it but the book was a gift and I love it) and I just write it as best as I can capture it. Its funny because I can just read it and remember exactly how I felt when I wrote it, its my memory keeper.

But lately, lately I've been pretty void of emotion, other than the occasional dissapointment in something not working out the way I thought it would I really haven't had anything of inspiration. Frankly I think its sad, my life has become so monotonous that there is nothing to really get excited about, and at the tender age of 24. Gone too soon. All I do is go to work (where might I add I am grossly underpaid, overworked and unappreciated) come home and watch tv or read, sleep and do it all over again.

I dont even think I miss being in a relationship and for someone that hasn't been single for longer than a couple months that is something, not quiet an accomplishment but something worthy of mention I think or maybe I do a little; I don't know. I think I miss that feeling you get when you know when you're about to see them and its new and you're kind of nervous but really happy and you just cant wait for that hug that just consumes your whole body... I feel like I'm just existing, just floating and bouncing against living things but not really living myself just here. This is so unlike me.

I'm steady waiting for something new to happen, I know its coming but why is it taking so long?

Me.

I'm moody, and very opinionated. I cry too easily and I think I can be too hard on myself from time to time. I love writing and I suppose its the reason I decided to blog.
Welcome to me!