Friday, April 16, 2010

Child to tha boo!

It's been getting pretty heavy in here hasn't it? So serious... time for some analysis I think.

Not many girls think like me I’ve come to realise. I blame my upbringing. My aggressive, self sufficient female relatives have permanently etched in my mind a spirit of “do it yourself and don’t wait for a man to do it for you.” It often shocks me how little some girls sell themselves for, really my girl a party ticket? So, what we couldn’t go home and rub some flour dumpling we really had to give it up for a cheeseburger? Matters worse when you not getting anything more than the few minutes of attention when you thought for sure after this one lay down you were going to be able to buy two new shoes. Ladies, ladies, ladies, why? Why do you sell yourself so short? You don’t think you’re worth more than a taxi fare and a new blouse?

Let me clear up any misunderstandings, I am not saying your significant other can’t spend on you, by all means, but you should not be up for sale. Whether or not you get that plane ticket money should not depend on how long you can stay on your head top “while him a do him ting.” Honey, go to school, look a work and buy your own stuff, let your brain work and not your crotch.

There is a new, how should I say it, phenomena going on at school. It is quiet fascinating really because these are future educators, the ones you will leave your daughters and sons with for at least 6 hours a day so that they can be taught not only what’s in the books but also what is socially acceptable and how we are supposed to act towards each other. Now I wonder if it was planned or if its the heat, but all of a sudden these boys want to beat on their girlfriends, and I am not talking about a one chuck or slap, I am talking about sitting in her chest and knocking her upside her head and pushing her through glass pane windows. Now, I wasn’t there for either incident so I don’t know if the assaults were aggravated or provoked (even though I fail to see what I could have said that would have warranted pushing me to the ground and kicking me in my sides) but Lord, this is where we’re at? This is what “deh wid” come to, sending me to the hospital and you being carted away to the police station? I mean is not a little argument is some real brawls, they were out there scrappin’. One girl got upset because her boyfriend was chummying up to his ex, she approached him and he was all over her, kicked her to the ground, started choking her and she was only able to get him off by reaching for a rock and smacking him in the eye with it, that happened one Friday night and by the Tuesday they were kissing under the trees. The next one she approached her boyfriend to break up with him I heard, and he got so upset that he pushed her and she pushed back and he chucked her through a glass window, she ended up in the hospital and he ended up at the police station. Yes, these are the men that will teach your children Physical Education and History.

When did women become so weak that we are unable to leave when its time to leave? Are we missing the signs? If he's always lying to you, its time to go. If he never has time for you. its time to go. If he doesn't uplift you spiritually, its time to go. If he degrades you, its time to go. If he hits you, baby girl I'll help you pack 'cause its been time to go. There is life without a man, its not a bad life either, its been pretty good to me for the most part. And I can understand the case where you met him and he's helping you financially, and you feel obligated to stay through the crap. I know of people who, because of money, do some strange things, but these guys are broke they attend school full time and collect a lunch money. I simply don't get it. It truly eludes me. And these guys aren't even manly men with chest hair and stuff, they are almost fresh out of high school and barely have hair of their chins, what are they doing beating on people's girl children? I don't know man... I really don't know.

Still kinda heavy right? Sorry.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Fading to black

We wear the badges differently I suppose some drown it, others pop it, cut it, smoke it, plaster it under a new MAC shadow and patent leather heels...


Solitude in his magnificence has found me

And all I can think while tears burn my eyes and soak my pillow, is how did I let this happen again?

How did I slip away and no one notice,

How did I slip and no one care,

Feelings of emptiness hit, and somehow it’s like I’ve gotten so far that even my screams for help have become whispers amongst laughter.

And as I feel the self loathing and sheer guilt make my lip quiver while he kisses me with assertion, I catch my darkened reflection in the mirror and look away

There is something to be said of being here again... depression, my faithful friend

Behind smiles! The brighter the better!

as I remind myself not to break, (don’t break)

Not to fall, (please don’t fall).

But Oh how far I’ve gone

my greatest fear is that someday I’ll not be afraid of being alone anymore and stand justified in the knowledge that he and I have always had an unrequited love affair,

he has always wanted me more than I could bare.

Prayers mouthed under short breaths while vision blurred and sweat washes my body I feel my body start to rock.

Here we go again.

My return to this place,

so dark the thought of light is eclipsed by the darker days to come.

and I know what it took to overcome the last spell and the hardest part is I know I'll walk it alone

My homecoming of sorts.

Fading to black.